Once upon a time, it was a statement but today it looks like a question.
There were times when I never use to write blogs but wrote notes and letters to someone just to share my feelings. That person never judged me and accepted the way I am. I still remember the day we met and since then I knew I can share my every tiny, important or unimportant thing with. Well, we call each other our soul sisters. Hold on is it ‘call’ or ‘called’?
From sharing the same bench in school to sitting together in tuition, I’ve spent every single moment of my high school and college with her. She was like a mom to me, who use to pull me out of tough phases with her advice. Even when we couldn’t help each other, we stood behind, silently backing up. We taught each other to be reckless and also responsible. We pushed each other to make decisions that we thought were good. Not only this, we were there to clean mess by helding each other’s hair in the washroom after that extra mandatory shot.
Not to mention, but I have had one of the most memorable trips with her, enjoying fries and cocktail at 2:00 am on the streets of Bangkok. We use to spend hours talking on call at odd hours, pondering over our lives and have seen each other crying. We’ve experienced adventure, love, and have grappled with loss and criticism. And through all of this, we have built each other up. We are not similar but special in our own way and complete each other.
Two of us were capable of having entire conversations from across the room, with our eyes alone that people never use to get. But today, forget about eye to eye conversation; we don’t look straight in each other’s eyes also. People always joked that we should date each other, which was not possible but we both know about our boundless love for each other. Whenever we use to fight, it was she who always took the initiative to solve things as I knew she is there for me and always will be.
But today, I don’t know was it that drunk night when I didn’t listen to her or when I didn’t call her to listen to her grief but fought with someone else on her behalf or is it the distance or me who didn’t try enough? I still don’t understand the reason behind why we are not the way we were. She is my that one friend whose name my father never forgets and my mom misses. Every relative of mine knows her and thinks she will be the most happiest and crazy one at my wedding.
I never thought I’d say this for her but I miss how irritating, crazy and loving she was. Obviously we also use to fight but it was never the way it is today. I will be honest and say, there were days when it use to feel like I still have her the way I had but then reality hits. I remember how even if I wasn’t up to her expectations, I was a loyal friend who never spoke behind or against her rather use to protect her. It pierced me like shreds of ice when I got to know from others, what she was saying behind my back and how it started to affect me yet I chose not to reply.
When I last hugged her and swallowed the lump in my throat, I thought we would still solve each other’s problems. But life doesn’t work out as we expect it to. People don’t remember the big or little things you did for them, the efforts, and the loyalty. They don’t remember how many times you took their stand, fought for them, or be there for them when they needed you. They forget when they themselves were not there for you, left you alone or have hurt you but what they remember are the mistakes you have made. I don’t know how I am going through my life alone but I do feel that it all went downhill not just because of me but both of us.
We both know things have changed between us but I never thought it will change this way. I am not insecure but I do feel replaced a lot of times and how she never supported my dreams and rather said things against it. She has got friends who can replace me as I know they are much better than me yet I know she won’t find someone who will be by her side like I was in these nine years. Even I have friends, who support me and my dreams, care about me and stand beside me yet I can never replace the bond I had with her.
I don’t know is it the guilt of not being up to her expectations or is it because rather than back-bitching about others together, she did with others about me; that stops me from calling her that often. But this is my side of the story and hers will be different from mine.
Deep down, every part of me misses her and how amazing we were together. I use to feel that I am the one who is clinging onto it in an unhealthy way but I guess sometimes it’s good to let go off. We have grown up together but are we going to get old together?
Have I lost her or have I not? I know denial is a maze but that is how I feel. Maybe, it’s all in my head but what I do know is she was and she will be my soul sister. No matter what happens I am there for her even on the days when she feels lost or alone and I always have her back.

